May the bridges I burn light the way

While going through old photographs from my time in high school, I came across an image from my senior prom*. In the picture I’m standing beneath a magnolia tree just beginning to bloom. My dress was a slinky material that subtly displayed the curves of my body, and was a pretty blue that gradually changed from light blue at my chest to a deep dark blue at my feet. I had on a modest amount of make-up and nail polish, my hair was styled just so (I had it professionally done), and I was wearing a matching necklace and bracelet. I was stunningly beautiful (though I know I didn’t feel that way at the time), and very, very feminine (by my standards, at least).

My first feeling upon seeing this picture was one of sadness. This was something that I had been at one point, and there’s still the possibility that I could be that again. But, if I move forward with my decision to transition, that image of feminine beauty is something that I will never again have.

That said, regardless of what choice I make, I will be giving something up. Do I choose to remain with what I know, gritting my teeth and putting up with my female body for those rare days of joy and beauty that I get from it? Or do I choose something new, give up that pretty girl under the magnolia tree, and risk living the rest of my life in a male body? The hardest part of this decision is not knowing what I’d be giving up if I take the easy way out and choose to remain in my current body. I only know what I’ve experienced so far: 27 years presenting as a female, and the last 6 months exploring a more masculine presentation. I know that I’ve felt more confident and more comfortable with myself since I cut my hair short and started binding my chest. I know that I actually look forward to shopping for clothes since I started looking in the men’s section. And I know that I’m more optimistic about my prospects for a healthy relationship when I think of myself as a man rather than a woman. All these things make me believe that I have an incredible amount to gain by choosing to transition. However, the uncertainty and the doubt is still there, because all I know for sure is what I’ll be losing, not what I’ll be gaining.

I came across the quote I used for this post’s title a while back, and it’s been stuck in my mind ever since. “May the bridges I burn light the way”. It’s true that either decision will lead to a bridge being burned. And some days I find myself focusing more on the burning, while other days I can focus on the light.  No matter what decisions we make in our lives, who we are is constantly changing. I think of my picture from senior prom and despair that I will never be that again if I transition. But the truth is, in many ways I’ve already lost her (if I was ever really her to begin with). I’ve made so many choices since that picture was taken, and changed and grown in ways that are too numerous to count. And whether the choices we make are big or small, it’s impossible to more forward and change without giving up what we once were.

I feel like there’s been a subtle shift in my thinking and sense of self over the last couple days. Granted, this could be because I’ve been binging on Queer as Folk episodes on Netflix, but I’d like to think it’s something more than that. I feel optimistic and ready to really take on my transition. I’m finally at a point where I want to be binding full-time. Not because it’s the next step to take, but because I’m ready to be taking that step. (Unfortunately I can’t bind full-time yet because my ribs feel like they’ve been crushed in a vice if I wear my current binder for more than a couple hours, but that’s a post for another time!). I’m ready to present as the nerdy, attractive gay man that I am inside, and I’m confident that I’ll be happy and content once I get there.

However, even with these feelings of optimism, I do feel a sense of bittersweet nostalgia for that girl under the magnolia tree. Though things today seem bright and happy, the light is still coming from my burning bridges, and maybe tomorrow I’ll once again be focusing on what I’m leaving behind. But then again, maybe I won’t!

 

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* I’m not posting the image here since I’m not out to a lot of people. But, for those of you who know me, I’ll put it up on my FaceBook page (just don’t inadvertently out me :P ).

Thoughts from the past

When I came out to my parents a couple months ago, one thing that my mother stressed was that she didn’t want me to rush my decision to medically transition. I tried to reassure her by telling her that I wasn’t planning on making a decision until my birthday at the very earliest (a good 10 months after I began to seriously consider transitioning). To her, this still didn’t seem like enough time. But for me, this is something that I’ve been thinking about for years, so taking almost a year to consider this decision seems like a long time to wait. I’ve already spent 27+ years in a female body, I just want to be a man already!

That said, I am doing my best to take things slowly. However,  I thought it’d be interesting to go back through my old journals and find the gender-related entries to see just how long I’ve been thinking about this topic. Get ready for some embarrassing angst and TMI! :P

The first entry I found was when I was a junior at the University of Washington, and took a class on human sexuality.

05/15/08:
We’ve been talking about gender and sexual orientation lately in my psych class and it’s reminded me of a lot of stuff that I haven’t thought of in a while. When I was growing up I absolutely hated the idea that I was a girl. I grew up hoping that I had been born without eggs so that I would never have a period, and when I finally did start menstruating, I was devastated and couldn’t understand why my mother was so excited. I waited until I absolutely had to before I started shaving or wearing a bra, and I would never get anywhere near makeup or dresses. I remember standing naked in front of a mirror and raising my hands above my head and sucking my breath in so that I could pretend that I still had no breasts, and I was sad when this no longer worked. I was even convinced that I had been born a man in a past life (this was obviously when I believed in reincarnation), and that I should have been born a man in this one. I wanted to be a man so bad! I don’t know when things started changing, but I think by this point I’ve accepted and grown accustomed to the fact that I am a female. I do enjoy parts of my femininity, though I still don’t express it much. I’m unsure whether I’d rather be a male at this point. I think parts of me still do, but overall I’m more or less okay with my gender.

There’s definitely some denial going on there with regards to my actual acceptance of my gender identity. Less than a year later, I had two more entries that make reference to my dislike of my femininity.

01/04/09:
Most of the time I wish I was a man, and when I joke about it sometimes I think the only reason I don’t get a sex change is that I enjoy having sex with men too much.

03/04/09:
I’ve always hated the fact that I am female, and thus disliked most of the aspects of my body (the strongly feminine parts, at least).

This turns out to be a recurring theme for me, the idea that nobody would love me if I decided to transition to a male body. Thankfully, I’m starting to get over this idea. And, I’ve realized that even if I do end up alone, if I’m finally happy with who I am, it’ll be a small price to pay.

This next entry stands out to me, as it’s particularly demonstrative of the fact that, even 5 years ago I was thinking about transitioning. I just wasn’t ready to accept it.

04/05/09:
The way I see it, I really have two options. I can either accept my gender, and fully embrace it, or I can take the necessary steps to try and change it. Obviously, these are extremes, and I know there are more moderate options, but for the sake of consideration I only take these two. I’m becoming tired of being in the middle – of disliking my gender but being resigned that there’s nothing I can do about it. This makes me hate aspects of who I am, and that in turn prevents me from fully accepting and, more importantly, respecting who I am (which I think is what I really need to do in order to maintain a healthy relationship). I hate the idea of being female, and I hate having a female body. It’s not that I think it’s ugly – on the contrary, I think females can be quite beautiful (myself included). It’s just that it’s so inconvenient! Bras are uncomfortable, breasts get in the way, the lack of a penis makes urinating more of an ordeal, not to mention the whole process of menstruating and childbirth! It sucks! It’s hard to say though. I dislike so many aspects of being female, but do I really perceive myself as male? I do when it comes to sex and the activities I fantasize about (the acts and motivations, but I’m still having sex with a male – the thought of having sex with a female is a little repulsing to me). In other aspects of myself though? I don’t think of myself directly as a female, but I’m much more likely to than to consider myself a male. So, before I even seriously consider the remotest possibility of even thinking about hormones and sex changes, I figure I should try expressing some of the more feminine sides of myself. I do enjoy getting dressed up and flirting and I did get some perfume a while back. I also got my ears re-pierced and the short hair also helps matters. I’m going to try to work towards exploring more of this side of myself. Then, who knows. Ten, fifteen years down the road maybe I’ll have to reconsider and maybe I won’t.

Turns out it was only five years, rather than ten or fifteen, before I started seriously reconsidering!

The next couple years of journal entries occurred when I lived in Atlanta. During this time, I barely had enough emotional energy to make it to work everyday, let alone focus on my gender dysphoria. So, gender-related entries are pretty sparse. However, I didn’t ignore  it entirely.

01/27/11:
I think if I ever have a child I would name him/her Alex, or something nice and gender neutral. That way, if they happen to start questioning their gender, at least they’ll have a neutral name that will fit with whatever they decide. I think about what I would go by if I ever decided to change my sex. Julian crossed my mind, but that’s too similar to Julianne, and I already get jokes about Julianne Moore. I’ve decided though I would probably go with Jules (I even made a male character named Jules in a nintendo game I’m playing). It’s not super masculine, but at least it’s not super different from my name now. I wonder what I would do with any publications. Obviously, by the time I decided one way or the other I would either have publication under Julia Moore, or I would be out of the field. Would I start publishing under Jules, or stick with Julia so people could go back through my chain of publications? If I get married I would probably keep publishing under Moore, but it seems like it would likely cause some issues if I stuck with Julia. Not that this is anything but hypothetical at the moment. It’s odd but, even though I think of myself more as a man, and relate to males much more than females, I don’t consider myself to be masculine at all. Or feminine for that matter. Maybe I really am a gay man stuck in a woman’s body. I read this book back in high school about a world where people could take on any form they chose – male, female-, part-animal, etc – and I often wish things were that easy. But I can’t help but think, if I ever did get a sex change, where in the world would I find someone to date me? A trans-sexual female-to-male who was stuck attracted to males. Oh well. Maybe I should tackle and solve my emotional problems before moving on to my gender issues.

Entries are pretty sparse again as I finish in Atlanta, move to Davis, and continue focusing on my career-related woes. But, there are still a few, and a lot of waffling back and forth.

02/04/12:
With [AR] especially, and also with [AL] back in Atlanta, I finally feel like I have that desire for “girl time”. I’ve always before thought the whole concept silly, and would have been much more interested in hanging out with the guys, and I definitely still enjoy hanging out with guys but at the same time it is really nice to sit around talking about men, watching sappy movies, and eating ice cream. Maybe it’s just been the friends I’ve had, and [G] and [M] being so open and not really the typical guy [in an overly macho, alpha-male way]. Or maybe I’m finally starting to accept my feminine side. Or maybe it’s a combination of the two. It’s hard to say. One thing I am realizing, however, is I’m no longer at a point where I would seriously entertain the idea of a sex change. Which, I’d say, is a good step in the right direction.

02/29/12:
[AR] invited me to go to some sort of party on Saturday night at her dance studio. I was a little skeptical at first, since it’s a costume party and I really don’t do costumes. The theme is “music stars”, either a famous music star, or yourself as a music star. I’ve decided on a costume and now I’m pretty excited, mainly because it’s an outfit I would love to wear all the time, if only it was appropriate. I’m keeping it simple: black slacks, black button up shirt, and black dance shoes. Then, I’ll wear my awesome new hat, maybe sunglasses, and if I have time to get one, an olive green tie that matches the band on my hat. Maybe one of the short ones that’s a bit more feminine. I’m mainly just excited because it’s an excuse for me to wear a hat and tie…just when I think I’ve accepted my femininity, I get excited about dressing up like a man. I figure Ill either try to pass as Tom Waits with breasts, or just take the easy way and pass myself off as a sultry blues musician.

Alright, now it’s time for some really embarrassing entries. At one point when I was younger my Mom tried to get me to read a trashy romance novel. I had a hard time getting into it, and don’t think I even finished the book she recommended. Turns out, I just wasn’t reading the right thing!

04/12/12:
I just discovered this new genre known as slash fiction, in which fans write mash ups of characters from TV shows, movies, or books that typically bring two male characters together in highly erotic situations. I am so in love! Apparently I still have a thing for male on male action. Reading through some of the (really bad) slash fiction has also inspired me to read an actual romance novel. So I just got a m/m romantic suspense book. Should probably go to bed, but I think I’ll stay up instead.

04/13/12:
Oh my god I am so addicted to smutty homosexual romance novels! It’s almost embarrassing how much I enjoy it, but I’m not embarrassed enough to stop reading it! I feel like I need to read a “normal” romance too, just to see if I’d like it as much, but I think I’ll have issues finding a heroine who does as much for me as two strong, muscular men. Hmm…

When I first started reading stories in this genre I tried to convince myself that my interest was solely due to my attraction to men. If one is good, then two is certainly better! ;P Besides, a lot of cismen seem to enjoy woman-on-woman action, so why couldn’t I enjoy the same with men? However, more and more I’ve realized that when I read these stories, I put myself in the place of one of the men, and it’s that that I’m attracted to. Not watching men-on-men action, but participating in it as a gay man. And since I’ve made this realization, not only do I enjoy the stories more, but I’m also much less embarrassed by my interest in this genre.

However, I do want to note that during this time I was still trying to make an effort to embrace my femininity, and there were days I almost succeeded.

03/20/12:
… I found though, for the first time, that when I was reading through some articles written by outspoken, articulate women, I felt empowered, and almost proud to be a woman. Yes, this is my body! These are my rights! And if you don’t have a uterus and don’t face the same concerns and choices that I do, then you have no right to tell me what to do! It was a really great feeling, and I’m trying to hold onto it as long as I can.

09/17/12:
Every once in a while (usually when I’m messing around with my birth control), I’ll get this strong sense of my femininity. Not in a prissy girly way, but in a powerful sense of my being – of the mystery and power that comes with being a woman, and a sense of confidence and playfulness when I think about men. This feeling obviously never holds up in the presence of a man, but the feeling of strength and power that I get when I experience this is almost like a drug. I wish it could last all the time. Maybe for some women it does?

But, even with these brief moments of confidence, there were still overwhelming doubts that kept surfacing, which ultimately became impossible to ignore. Additionally, during this time, [AR]’s sister came out as transgender, and began her own transition. Hearing about her journey, and the stories of others, got me thinking more and more about the subject, and the potential relevance to my own life.

04/28/12:
I was at the potluck tonight and talking to a girl there. She mentioned a friend of hers who had gotten a sex change, and in the intermediate phase of the transition had decided to test people’s response based on gender. He/she was at a stage where, depending on the clothing, could pull off either gender. He/she went to a car dealership, gave similar criteria for a car, and got wildly different responses. Not too surprising, but still fairly interesting. I realized though, as she was talking, that I have a profound respect for anybody who would be willing to take that step and get a sex change. Sure, it’s something that I’ve thought about, but it’s never been something I ever thought I would/could do. I would be so worried about the judgment and the repercussions, and the inability to find someone after the fact. Hell, I have a hard enough time as it is! And to even think of visiting my grandparents again (on either side) is just terrifying. Although, if I got a sex change, they might not want me to visit! But for someone to be so confident in who they are and what they want, and to be willing to go through all of that, both personally and professionally, is utterly amazing and inspiring to me. I wish I was that strong.

07/06/13:
I had a good conversation with [J] about transgendered people and thoughts on gender identity. He mentioned that a lot of Scorpio women are dissatisfied with traditional views of femininity, and there’s a lot of writing that’s been done on the type of femininity of Scorpios. It sounded interesting, and something that might be good for me to read. Not really for the astrological aspect, but rather for a different take on being a woman. I also mentioned that I would be male if I could, and he asked me an interesting question that I couldn’t answer, which was if I identified with being a male, or if I just disliked being female. I feel like it would be worth doing some research on gender identity ideas so that I can start actually answering that question. …

And finally, a little less than 6 years after my first real exposure to the idea of identifying as a trans* individual, I had my “Aha!” moment when I realized that this could actually be a real option for me.

02/10/14:
I finally found a good therapist. … Initially I had decided to return to therapy to address issues from my past. However, today we spent the entire hour talking about my gender dissatisfaction. We discussed how I’ve always hated the fact that I have a female body – due to everything from my clothes, menstruating, breasts, my view of femininity, society’s views, what the reaction would be if I were to go through the transition process, etc. Her response to this discussion was: “Wow, you’ve really thought about this a lot!” I was really struck by this comment, since I don’t think I have, but in retrospect, compared with the “normal” person who is satisfied with their gender, I probably have. Hell, I’ve even thought about what I would change my name to! We also discussed finding a partner as a trans person. I commented that I was worried that if I were to get a sex change it would be next to impossible to find a partner, given how much trouble I’ve already have. Her response was that I might actually have less trouble. That it would be easier for me to accept and to find someone who loved me as soon as I started loving myself. And the fact that I dislike my body, especially my breasts, make this difficult. I’ve spent my entire life trying to come to terms with being female, and have not made very much progress.  I’ve done my best to ignore my dissatisfaction with my gender, and always just accepted that it would never change. But it struck me today that that doesn’t have to be true. I have an accepting (immediate) family, I have the resources, the societal judgment isn’t as bad as it once was, what’s to stop me from considering this as a real possibility?

Since then, I’ve been in a pretty constant state of introspection, doubt, and excitement. Yet even with all the stress and uncertainty, I don’t think I’ve ever been happier with who I am. Which makes me think I’m headed in the right direction. I’m still not ready to change my name/pronouns, to come out at work, or to start taking testosterone. But each day brings me closer to that decision.